Why is it that intimacy still seems to be difficult to achieve?
Real Intimacy
When you first hear the word “intimacy”, the first thing that probably comes into your mind is romance, physical contact or even sex. And yes, these three occupy a part of what we call as “intimacy”. Nevertheless, the concept of intimacy goes far beyond that and it is usually the part that most couples miss or overlook.
The road to complete intimacy especially among married couples can be very slippery. That’s why a lot of couples spend most of their journeys trying to achieve that intimacy while others fail and end up in a crumbling relationship. A lot of articles can be found on the internet which offer you tips, guides or a step-by-step procedure on how to achieve intimacy. But then, do they really capture the real intimacy that you are looking for? Why is it that intimacy still seems to be difficult to achieve?
True intimacy is not achieved by spending more time with your spouse, or giving him/her gifts. It is not just about frequently going out on dates or having sex with your spouse. These things are like temporary plasters to a wound. What you really need to do is to find the cause of the wound in order to completely heal it. Intimacy won’t work unless you find its core - the foundation which holds it all.
THE KEY TO INTIMACY
Have you already tried all sorts of things to heighten the intimacy between you and your spouse and it still didn’t work out? That’s because you are doing it all wrong. It all has something to do with the first step both you and your spouse need to take. Intimacy cannot be achieved without the two of you working together and the first step is pivotal for the whole concept to work. Once you get the first step correctly, all the other steps will fall into place.
For intimacy to work, the married couple must know each other very well. The well-known “getting-to-know-each-other” does not begin and end in the dating stage of your relationship. Some people think that your basis for marrying someone is when you already know them well and you feel like you are a good match. Therefore, if you are already married, it means there is no need for the “getting-to-know-each-other” part because, well, you already know each other. There is really nothing wrong with getting confident and satisfied with what you “know” about your spouse. But as the popular saying goes “Learning never stops even after you finish going to school.” In the same way, “getting-to-know” about your spouse does not end after you get married. We all grow and change as time passes so you have to continuously work together with your spouse in “getting-to-know” each other.
Having knowledge about your spouse and being able to completely understand them can make or break your attempts of intimacy. For example, you wanted to surprise your spouse so you took her on a trip to a certain island. It turns out, your wife has a terrible seasickness so your trip was ruined because of how she fell ill during your trip. Now, another case would be if you have a spouse who isn’t much of a talker. This could really be a big challenge in getting intel about his thoughts and feelings. My husband used to be like this. He would suddenly be silent for several days and would be in a bad mood. We couldn’t properly spend quality time together because of it. I tried to know what was wrong with him. He didn’t immediately open up in the beginning but when he saw how it was affecting our intimacy with each other, he finally did. It turns out my husband wasn’t also aware of why he was being like that. He was simply feeling irritated. I made sure my husband knew how I valued quality time and how his attitude was hindering it so he tried his best to overcome that part about him. If I didn’t try to know more about my husband that time, the intimacy of our relationship would’ve eventually disappeared.
Knowing everything about your spouse is the key to building and maintaining intimacy in your marriage. It kick-starts the engine for intimacy. Loving someone can be like walking through a maze and knowing everything about your spouse is your map. With the knowledge you have about your spouse, you’ll never get lost in the maze of how to love him/her. It will serve as your guide on building that intimacy you both are longing for.
CONSTANTLY GETTING TO KNOW YOUR SPOUSE
Constantly getting to know about your spouse might seem awkward to others or they might even feel uncomfortable about it, especially for those who do not talk or share much. It is also true that getting to know someone can come from being patient and letting the time you spend with each other to unfold everything. But why go through all the trouble of waiting when you can save time by being more open to each other about who you are. Remember that though patience is a virtue, still time is gold.
Opening up and being more forthright about the things that you want or like and about the things that you think or feel can be difficult. However, taking those small steps will be a giant leap for an intimate relationship. Take a look at these few things to help you in opening up and constantly getting to know more about your spouse:
It All Begins with Yourself
1. Self-reflection and self-acceptance. We are not in some of kind of a Values Education class here but these two things are very important in learning to open-up to your spouse. You cannot really let your spouse know and understand you if you do not even know and understand yourself. Analyze your inner self. Reflect on who you really are and accept yourself for who you used to be and who you want to be with your spouse.
2. Self-expression. There are many ways to express ourselves to other people. It can be through words or actions. Some prefer to do it with their actions while others prefer to directly say it with their words. Learn to practice expressing yourself in both ways. You cannot expect your spouse to understand everything that you do. That is why there is a need to express yourself to them. Once you know and understand what you really feel, there is nothing to fear about expressing or showing it to the person you love the most.
Working in Partnership
3. Be someone who can be trusted. If you are not someone who can be trusted, then it would be pointless whether or not your spouse knows and understands himself/herself. Getting to know about each other requires cooperation. If you want your spouse to be open up to you, then you have to someone he/she can trust with his/her deepest and darkest secrets. Do not judge. Do not be critical. Show him/her that you are a loyal and trustworthy person. Show him/her that you are willing to listen.
4. Show your support and appreciation. Knowing about your spouse is a continuous process. You do not just end by showing that you are someone trustworthy. You have to be consistent with your actions by constantly being supportive and appreciative of your spouse and the things he/she shares to you. You might say things otherwise, but your spouse will be able to observe and feel whether you are really supporting and appreciating him/her for who he is. If your spouse sees that you are inconsistent with your words versus your actions, chances are you will lose that trust that you need to build intimacy between the two of you.
5. Observe and be inquisitive. Do not just be satisfied with your spouse opening up to you. And do not just simply wait either. There are things that we want to share, but we find it uncomfortable or difficult to open up. Therefore, as spouses, we must be observant of how our husband or wife is acting. When you have built that trust between each other, do not hesitate to ask him/her what’s wrong or if there is something that bothers him/her. You never know if all this time, they have just been waiting for you to ask.
These five steps simply provide you some tips on how you can constantly get to know about your spouse. Overall, it is all about being trustworthy in order to be trusted by your husband or your wife. It is a two-way process and it requires both husband and wife to work together in creating a secured place where they can both be completely open to each other. You must create a kind of relationship where you will feel welcomed and carefree of expressing who you really are as a person. This will give you the knowledge you need on the ways or things that you can do to create and maintain intimacy in your relationship.
